Happiness and Hurt

Whew.  The last couple of weeks have been intense!  Brian and I have been so amazed by how clearly God has been speaking in our lives.

A couple of weekends ago, Brian's family came into town.  We spent a wonderful weekend together celebrating Brian's birthday, graduation with his Master's degree (SO proud of him!), and planning the wedding.  We had a "birthuation" party, checked out the reception and rehearsal dinner venues, ate many delicious meals together, and I even got to show his mom, stepmom, and sister my wedding dress (which we purchased that day!).   It was so great to see all of them!  I wish that we all lived in the same place, it is always sad to say goodbye and our families blend so well together.  SUCH a blessing!

We had another big event about a week and a half ago.  My home church that I have attended since I was a toddler, and the church that we had planned to get married in, split.  I share this not to dwell on something sad or criticize anyone or do anything of that nature, but rather to remember an event that changed our path and impacted our life.  Our hearts are broken- mine in particular.  We have found another place to have the wedding, and I am trying to wrap my mind around re-envisioning the ceremony.  Thankfully, this has not rocked our relationship a single bit.  In fact, it has made us stronger (are you hearing Kelly Clarkson in your head right now?  Me too) Being engaged has never been about planning the perfect wedding, but rather about planning an event to celebrate the beginning of our lives together.  However, that does not mean that I have not been affected, because I am very hurt and deeply saddened by this loss.  For now, Brian and I are attending the church that he went to before we started dating.  We are not sure what our plan is for church from here, but we are praying for God's direction.  

My conclusion after all of this: Put your faith in the marriage, not a wedding and more importantly in God, not a church.  

Brian and I stayed in Joplin for Thanksgiving and enjoyed a day with our family here.  The break from school was GREATLY welcomed by both of us :)  In fact, we did NO schoolwork for 4 days in a row, it was fantastic!  

Other than that, we have been busy with school, my dad's birthday, school, my friend's shower and bachelorette party, school, my parents' anniversary, school, wedding planning (and re-planning ;) ), school, the arrival of our friends' baby, school...and school.  We aren't going to know how to have "normal" dates after all of our study dates!  

I'm loving the thought that in less than six months, I am going to be Rachel Neugebauer!  And as strange as that last name is, I'm thrilled ;)

Sweet Whispers

Whenever you hear the gentle whisper of the Lord, listen and do WHATEVER He says.  Even if it seems silly and inefficient.  I'll explain...

I have had the sweetest experience with Him today.  My heart and mind are full and I can't seem to sit still.  Don't you just crave that feeling of being so in love that you get tingles all through your body and your hands get clammy, your heart starts to beat faster, your eyes get teary, you can't contain your smile and you just lose control?  Before you get confused, no, I am not talking about Brian.  Yes, I love Brian so much more than I knew that a person could love another person...honestly.  Our relationship continues to grow closer and better and "funner" (yes, I am aware that "funner" is not a word) and sweeter and so much more.  But there is no comparison between the love I have for him and that he has for me, and the love that I share with Jesus.  I know, that sounds church-y and unrealistic, but it is special moments like I had today that show me that this is very true.  

I was driving home this afternoon while listening to music on my phone.  When it shuffled to the next song, it was a song that I hadn't heard for a while ("Let the Waters Rise" by MIKESCHAIR).  I began to sing along, and as I did I started to feel that chill that runs all through me that I have learned is often caused by worship music.  Music seriously gets to me.  As the song finished, another song that I hadn't listened to in a while (Worthy is the Lamb by Hillsong LIVE) came on.  

I was getting ready to turn right into my neighborhood, and I felt a whisper saying "Turn left.  Drive and sing your favorites to Me".  I instantly thought to myself 'nope. This is ridiculous' and left my blinker on.  I began to make a mental list of all of the reasons that I should not listen to the whisper.  I have homework to do.  My room needs cleaned.  There is laundry in the washer.  Continuing to drive is a waste of gasoline (which is also a waste of environmental resources AND money).  But the whisper remained heavy on my heart.  So I turned left, and I shook my head at my crazy self.

Once I switched my blinker from right to left, I began to feel the Lord take delight in my obedience at His simple (but silly to my human brain) request.  

Before I continue, please do not misinterpret this.  I am most certainly not the perfect Christ-follower.  I am ashamed to say that I can't count how many times before I have rationalized His whispers away and continued on with my day.  Unfortunately, today was an exception in my walk, not the norm.  Thankfully, the God that I serve is outrageously forgiving.  Really, it is truly outrageous.  

As I continued on the road, I was able to enjoy 25 minutes of pure bliss as I drove through some gorgeous back roads that He has decorated with fiery fall colors .  It was a comical site, if I'm honest.  I went through periods of laughing, crying, raising my hands, patting my heart, singing softly, singing choppy choked-out words and singing so loud that it hurt my own ears.  I cannot even imagine what the other drivers on the road were thinking.  They are probably currently praying for that lunatic that does not belong behind the wheel.  Oh well :)

Even though my 25 minute detour seems small and insignificant, I soaked up every minute of it.  It was 25 minutes that I spent in His presence focusing on Him alone.  It blessed me greatly, and I pray that it blessed Him as well.

There are a few things that make this experience even more special to me.  First of all, ever since Brian and I got engaged, there have been some outside factors and situations that have broken our hearts- mine in particular.  I do not feel comfortable sharing more detail than that, but those 25 minutes mean even more because I have struggled as I have consciously chosen to trust in God's plan through the heartache.  

Also, I believe that this afternoon is a result of my Jesus-loving grandmother's prayers on my behalf.  She texted me this morning (Yes, my grandma TEXTS.  Pretty cool, huh?) and told me that I had been on her mind all day and let me know that she was praying for me.  I responded by telling her that I appreciated her thoughts, but that my day was going very well and she did not need to be concerned.  At the time, I wondered why God had laid me on her heart, but then proceeded to continue on with checking things off of my to-do list.  

Finally, today marks two months since the day that Brian asked me to marry him.  Oh, and in case you were wondering, yes, I still get giddy when I think about spending the rest of my life with him.  Ever since we started dating, I have prayed that God would make it plainly evident as to whether Brian was the person that He wanted me to marry (and that He would do the same for Brian).  Once we decided that we would get married, I have prayed that God would use our relationship to honor Him.  And throughout the course of our relationship, I have found that Brian is one of the ways that God uses to encourage, teach, correct, and bless me.  I believe that God was reminding me of His answer to my prayers.  

Today, I am thankful for sweet whispers.  


¹¹ The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

-1 Kings 19:11-13, NIV

²⁷ What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.

-Matthew 10:27, NIV

My view as I drove